Needing peace in the midst of a storm

As I type this out, I know this will be a huge moment of vulnerability for me and I hope that it will reach those that may be in a similar boat, or struggling with the same feelings and hopefully encourage you in some way.

For the past few months Isaiah and I have been praying about our home situation. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment that while it fits us just fine, doesn’t have in home laundry and inconsiderate neighbors are becoming more and more frequent. So we started praying that God would open doors for a new place when our lease ends this coming summer. Ideally a house to rent so we could have more quiet and privacy, and have in home laundry. I love my in laws and we absolutely love getting to spend time with them, but 2 years of going over multiple times a week for hours on end just to wash laundry can really wear down a person. Especially with a 9 month old that gets grumpy and ready for bed so we don’t get to bring all of our laundry home.

As we prayed we started talking about the possibility of trying to buy a home as it would be essentially the same price for a house payment and paying for utilities that it would be anywhere else. We felt that the Lord was starting to open doors and line things up for us to buy a home. So this week, we applied for a home loan to see how much we would get approved for. Being a one income home, we had hoped that God would provide a way for it to be enough and that it would be doable. He laid a peace on our hearts and to just trust him with everything. And as I finished paperwork over the phone, I was told that she wasn’t able to get it to score over $150,000. Now that was a huge blow.

And in came the rush of emotions and hurt. It’s been hard on the both of us but it’s probably been hitting me the hardest. For months I have prayed for many things and just relied on the Lord and trusted in his leading. And every time that I have, something doesn’t seem to work out. I prayed for a flexible work from home job for some extra income. For the ability to pay off some debt and not have to live paycheck to paycheck while still only making it by with essentials. An online course came across my feed that would teach me how to be a virtual assistant and run my own business. I prayed for weeks and felt a peace about taking it. So I started a payment plan for this course and added more debt for us to pay off. As I finished the course I jumped all in and tried to get it up and running. I ran into a couple of scams and one of them, I even lost money because of it.

I’ve been praying for 2 years for a couple of friends that I love dearly to come to church, or to have more opportunities to witness so that they would get saved. They’ve come all but one time and every other time that I’ve invited them, they say they’ll plan on it, and then day off there’s some reason or excuse for why they aren’t coming. That’s discouraging at times.

I’ve been praying for a dear friend of mine and her husband for the past couple of years as they struggle with infertility. That God would touch their lives and open her womb and bless them with the family they want so badly. And yet another year has gone by and I still can’t rejoice with them over a coming baby.

And this month I started this blog to start a ministry that would honor and glorify him. I spent some more money that we don’t really have to get this up and going and took another small course to learn how to make some income through it, with the faith and trust that God would bless and grow it all. I know it’s only been a few short weeks but it’s hard to look at the statistics and see that I’m not making much of an impact. Very little views, no engagement, etc.

And now the door has been closed on buying a home for another year or more. So much in such a short amount of time and it’s hard to look at all of this and not get upset. To not wonder if I’m even being heard after going before the Lord daily and pouring my heart out at his feet. To wonder why it feels like every time we take a step forward, we take three steps back. I know that what I’m feeling is very real but it’s also the Devil trying to shake my faith and get me to stop walking with the Lord. That I must be doing something right if he’s trying this hard to rock me. But that’s still been little comfort for me. I know that I should continue to trust him and to continue to wait for his timing. And even that this just means that something bigger and better is coming. But it’s so hard to accept it in the middle of the hurt and confusion we’re currently facing. The questions we have and the answers we won’t receive until he reveals them to us in his own time.

I may not understand what he’s doing right now but I know in time, it will all make sense. The battle between my feelings and emotions against the Biblical truths I know and have been holding onto is very real and very strong.

So if you’re going through a battle similar to mine, just know that you aren’t alone! And though it may be hard to understand and it feels easier to give up, don’t! I know that hearing the same responses that are meant to be encouraging, often times feel the complete opposite and pointless because you already know that what they say is true, is hard to accept when emotions are high and defeat feels very real. Do your best to keep walking forward and don’t stop listening to His voice. In my flesh and anger I have been very tempted to, but in my spirit I know that he’s the only one that can truly bring me comfort and peace in this trying time.

Things will get better. He always provides for his children, even when we think he could do it differently or when it would suit us better. You aren’t alone in your struggle. Draw close to your spouse, or someone you trust and go to for advice, and lean on the Lord. He truly is our rock and strong tower.